Pricey diary,
I’m scripting this from in hiding after my missive final week led to an terrible lot of individuals wanting me lynched and strung up for being anti-Christmas. Lots of people additionally implied I used to be a Karen, which was very complicated as I’m not Karen, my mom is Karen? I iz confuddled. To cope with this immense response, I’m organising a search social gathering to search for the UK’s sense of humour, in addition to putting in an early warning detection system for irony. I’m assuming the present unhealthy climate meant that the regular drip of sarcasm wasn’t heard, however I’m scared to hack out for worry of discovering on the market’s now a value on my head, which can result in shock assaults by bounty searching bunnies…
Thoughts you, it’s much less hacking for the time being and extra long-distance swimming. I’ve by no means identified it so moist. We’re on clay soil and the quantity of water is just being added to each time mom sobs hysterically on the state of my feathers; the water desk is greater than mom’s debt and, in widespread with it, continues to rise. We now have puddles vaster than the Hurd Deep and a lot floor water mendacity round that any equine underneath 14hh has been put into life vests simply to get to the fields.
The fields themselves are black quagmires solely appropriate for robust mudder occasions or hiding the corpses of those that don’t have a way of humour. I’ve been primarily banned from mine as (and right here I quote) me “and my clod hopping ft are trashing it”. I would really like somebody to inform me precisely what I’m alleged to do right here? Levitate? I’m led to imagine my mom did at one level have a mind cell and did examine physics, so why she can not grasp the concept 750kg of pure equine muscle will sink into floor which has the solidity and stability of a authorities again bench I’ve zero thought. I don’t imply to wreck my grass, however I’ve to face on one thing to have the ability to eat it. I thought-about mendacity right down to even out my weight, however seeing her response to the feather state of affairs gave me the trace she may need a full on Britney-style breakdown if I adopted that follow.
In consequence, the 2 ladies in my life (mom and Loopy Self-Employed Girl) have devised operation “save the grass”, which appears to contain me being turned out on the all-weather with hay whereas staring on the grass from a distance. They each appear happy with their plan which “will make the grass go additional”. Go additional the place? Away from me? Grass re-grows peoples, but when I waste away, I cannot…
I tried to elucidate this moderately troublesome idea to the mothership the opposite day by means of the medium of recent dance; admittedly my timing may need been a bit of off as mini-mother was leaping the ginger whinger on the time, and so put out was he by all eyes being on me as I pirouetted across the all-weather turnout, that he misjudged a fence and needed to do a vertical take off solely rivalled by the Eurofighter. In equity to mini-mother, her seat is each a lot smaller and far stronger than her mom’s so that they didn’t really half firm, however she did let free with a barrage of expressions which eliminated all doubt as to whose daughter she is. Mom equally let free at me, questioning my ancestry, dad or mum’s marital state and the relative loneliness of my single mind cell. Clearly a advantageous grasp of fundamental Anglo-Saxon runs firmly within the genes…
So I’m off to stare longingly on the grass I is likely to be allowed again on a while in spring 2024, disguise from the lynch events for being the equine grinch and pray for it to cease raining.
A Merry Christmas it’s not.
Laters,
Hovis
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Credit score: Future
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